After not a lot of research, I’m rather convinced that attempting to find a food plan through the method known as “intuitive eating” will suit me quite well. Here is why, based on what I’ve learned about myself over, say, the past month and a half:
1) Even after almost 5 months of an ebbing and flowing recovery effort, I still tell myself that my body isn’t good enough (for my profession, for my friends, for myself, for love).
2) Even after 5 months, I still tell myself that I can’t have certain foods. This is evidenced by the fact that if I do let myself have a thing or some things, I will routinely eat all the things, because I refuse to allow myself access to them the next day.
3) When I binge, it is invariably my response to some kind of restriction.
These, combined, sum up the “diet mentality” pretty succinctly, if you ask me. There’s the low self esteem, the negative body image (which follows me around like a shadow I’m rarely even all that aware of…), the restricting, the forbidding; the concept of guilt like it’s some kind of moral issue, being skinny; and finally, always, the bingeing. It all needs to stop–together, orchestrally. And maybe the solution can be orchestral as well, a symphony of fellowship and reflection and mindfulness and intuition.
It works if you work it. I know that I am having trouble staying abstinent. But I do believe, somewhere, that if I make a concerted, journaling, reflecting, chewing, meeting-going effort to get and stay well, then I can. The thing about intuitive eating, according to this blog, is that “it is free of obsession.” I realize that in the past my response to my compulsive overeating has been “obsess over something else!” First it was juicing, then not eating sugar, then getting that job (and with it the ever-present task of exercising constantly and Losing Weight), etc. etc. etc. Intuitive eating, though, sounds like a great deal: it sounds, to me, like easing into a forgiving accepting, entirely personal, variable, tailor-made situation. It sounds like the kind of thing that could put me at ease. Help me find Serenity.
Also: spiritual food. I am hungry for some. Human connection has been my prayer for the past couple of weeks. And my, have I been social. Not only dating, but seeing friends, thank God. It’s been really fun. And for the first time in a long time I can say that I am really happy despite certain stressors. But prayer needs to happen. Writing, dancing, walking through my city, these are all meditations for me. What about stillness, though? I think I might benefit a lot from that. Finding time is hard, but I think I could do it. I don’t do it because it doesn’t occur to me when I am bored, or because I am afraid of what I might strike upon emotionally. I get impatient. I am developing ADHD all on my own, simply because I am practicing multitasking CONSTANTLY. The serenity prayer.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
I’ll be here tomorrow.
