It’s interesting, isn’t it, that I stopped posting here about halfway through my 30-in-30 or some-in-some or what-have-you? I mean, when I was going to so many meetings and utilizing so many of the tools–when I was hearing the message and feeling pretty good? I just–kinda–stopped? It ended up being a 26-in-29, for those who are curious, which I was happy about mostly: I didn’t, however, benefit from the “light beams shooting out all over me” that one program friend (program friend! I have those?!) thought I must be experiencing from so many meetings. Heck, I would have thought something like that would happen, too–I probably went to more meetings last month than in my first year in the rooms. In fact, though, on many days during that 26-in-29 I felt serenity only after attending a meeting, calling three fellows, writing [by hand, in a journal], praying, reading literature, calling my sponsor, and following my food plan; in other words, using all the tools Overeaters Anonymous recommends. ”It works if you work it”–I know, I know–and “One hour in a meeting gets you 23 hours back”–true, but what about three hours spent tooling and tooling away? Plus 7–okay, 6–hours sleeping, plus 8 hours working, let’s say, for the Average Joe, plus 2 hours commuting, plus 2.5 hours obtaining, preparing, and eating food: already I have only 2.5 hours left in my day, but…OHHHH…
…well.
Okay, I mean, I guess… if that’s time that can be spent being kind, compassionate, and loving, or pursuing my dreams fearlessly, or plain old NOT BINGEING, I guess I’m better off than I was before. Not to mention that the quality of hours spent sleeping, working, and especially obtaining, preparing, and eating food will be much richer. More free from obsession, at least. Okay. I’ll take it.
But what I found myself wondering after those fourish weeks of almost-one-a-day: it possible I overdid it? I felt, after it was all over, an inexplicable, weary but driving urge to–guess! guess!–yep. Eat. Of course, that could, I guess, be attributed to starting a new birth control pill and embarking on a yoga-teacher-training program that is quite fatiguing and oh, moving! By myself. Into a sixth floor walk-up. I don’t mean to be self-pitying here. I am just saying that, if I am to be reasonable and self-caring and not beat myself up needlessly, I should take these things into consideration. My body needed extra fuel and a lot more rest, and there was no time for rest. As a result, maybe, I did overeat compulsively. Did I binge? Not quite–for me. Did I want to berate myself and start over at Day 1 and uphold myself to ever-higher standards of abstinence (standards that I see some of my program friends–there it is again–following and finding serenity with)? Yes. But it’s NO LONGER A MORAL ISSUE–to quote yet another program friend. And my abstinence is more a state of mind than anything else, when we begin to contemplate the bottom line. I am abstinent because I say I am: because I remain committed to my program of recovery. Because when I wake up and the pants don’t fit, I love myself more. (Quoting again–I’m not making this stuff up, people). Because I continue to use the tools and attend meetings and show up for my life. Granted, not starting over makes me envious of others who have the humility to show up each day and say “Day 1.” But maintaining abstinence, however imperfectly, keeps me out of perfectionism and out of relapse: the minute I say “Day 1,” I press a pause button: I delay Day 1. I drop into that cycle of self-sabotage, and I don’t get out (until I hit another bottom–until I stop digging). The fact is, that has been my experience. And my recovery is forward-moving. When the food feels funky, it doesn’t mean start over (this is what I’m learning). It means be honest and keep moving forward.
I think.
Anyway, I guess this means I am back to the blogosphere. I apologize for my absence, but not writing probably did me worse a turn than anyone who might be reading it. I think, perhaps, another reason I took a lil break was that I started to tell some real-live people about this thing, and knowing that they know it’s here and that I’m writing it may have produced in me a teeny tiny bit of fear. Feel free to share your thoughts below…
x o x ohhhh
your Grateful Recovering Compulsive Overeater,
L.
