So maybe my last post was a bit too excited. I just really get into the extremes: Abstinence is about the food EXACTLY! Abstinence is not about the food AT ALL! Oh god. Guess what. It’s about relaxing and taking it easy. It’s about praying. It’s about reaching out to people (the fellowship, or friends, or strangers, or anyone) instead of hiding alone with the food. Or reading a book or watching a movie–taking pleasure in the consumption of things made up of more than sugar, fat, and salt. Made up of thoughts and inspired by that ever-turning hunger for LIFE that we compulsive overeaters repeatedly mistake for food.
Anyway, after writing that last one, I thought, great! I can eat anything I want! I just have to be honest! 1, 2, 3…SLIP. BINGE: Because I’m Not Good Enough. SLIP: Still Living In Program. Both valid acronyms for what took place. (Incidentally, how funny would it be if we described everything in acronyms?? Programspeak–it kills me!)
Which brings me to the title of this post. Let’s laugh about it today. It’s kinda funny if you think about it.
On the flip side, it’s kinda sad, too. The way we (I) still beat myself up for things totally undeserving of punishment. For things that ought to be met only with love. And feeling real shame over silly things: over feeling a little too full, or eating in surplus of a certain number of calories or servings of dessert. As if what I end up eating on a given day (I’m powerless!) is a reflection of my character or worth. “As if”–why not act as if what I eat DOESN’T have any bearing on whether I am beautiful or real or powerful or smart or funny or loveable or spiritual? I mean, just to try it. For a day. Not to negate that age-old mantra, “you are what you eat,” completely, but can we please agree that we are MORE than what/how much we eat? That we have something intangible about us, something that encompasses Personality and Emotion and Love and Desire and Truth and Chaos and Curiosity? Those things which can’t be reduced to crumb.
I have a sponsee. It’s a girl! Just kidding. I mean, it is. But it’s new. It’s a budding, blossoming, new thing. And I actually feel like I’m ready and that it may will inform my own recovery in ways I probably can’t imagine. Of course, confidentiality will take precedence, but I’ll certainly post updates, especially with reference to the latter part of that last sentence.
Ta ta for now.
Yours discovering recovering,
L.
