this one’s for you, kid. and by you I mean me.

Ughhh…I need to write.  About what, I do not know.  I always hope to share with the world some neat, tidy, put-together, hard-won lesson about recovery–and then, eventually, this blog will be like some foolproof little guide to getting over eating disorders (those pesky things!).  What the hell?  Am I trying to rewrite the Big Book?  No.  I need to stop writing this for whoever is/isn’t reading this and start writing for me, for my recovery.  Writing as one of the tools of recovery, not as “now it’s time for me to pose as an expert on recovery.”  My honesty, in turn, may help someone who needs to hear it (I hope it does).  But to share experience helps those who tell it as much as those it helps those who hear it.  I’m selfish, and that’s why I do this.  Not because I’m altruistic–who am I to be condescending like that?–, or because I feel like I’m doing this “right”–it’s not my way, it’s program’s way, God’s way, my sponsor’s way.  And with 32 days of abstinence and a year since my first OA meeting, I am still hanging by a thread some days–today especially.  Today is the only day that matters, this is the only minute that matters, and if you have right now, then we are in exactly the same boat for the next 24 hours.  That’s what “Just for Today” means, right?

I am this close to bingeing a lot of the time (like, NOW, for example).  I white-knuckle it some days and get mad.  Some days I slip.  Because it’s slippery.  It’s ice out here.  An icy, lubricated mountain.  With a 90-degree incline.  A cliff, not a mountain.  I’m not trying to be Señorita Dramática here but, really, It.  Does.  Not.  Get.  Easy.

At least not yet.  (From what I hear, though, it does get simple.  We have that to look forward to!)

Some insane things I am finding I continue to do, even under my current regime which includes almost daily meetings, turning over my food, big book study, writing, calling, et cetera:

going into grocery stores up to, like, three times a day.  just walking around and drooling in there, wasting time.  thinking about obsessing over a gallon of milk in my fridge that I’m not going to be able to use before heading out of town–also, multiple times a day.  obsessing over everything in my fridge.  freaking out about whether what i say in meetings is good enough or if it’s boring people (um, hello, that is the point of meetings?  that everyone there accepts you no matter what?).

My sponsor and I are tackling my tendency to restrict my food, which is really kind of fun, because it means I get to have one serving of sugar a day (if I so desire.  Which, more often than not, I do).  And the thing is that it’s about getting better–not being perfect.  So if I used to eat a pint of ice cream, now I throw out 1/4 or 1/2 of it.  Depending on what keeps me sane.  My abstinence, right now, is simply not to let the binge monster out.  Not to be the crazy what’s-next-what’s-next-what’s-next-eating-till-I’m-sick-and-ANGRY kind of girl I used to be am at my core.

But, last night, I had the whole pint.  And some popcorn.  And a half-mug of soup  This was a few hours after a small, but clear, dinner.  And I was hungry.  So, I’m not going to call it a binge (if you broke your leg, would you break the other one, too? someone said to me once about the terms of abstinence).  But I didn’t feel great about it when I woke up today.  Today has been harder because of it.  I’m taking note, because I want to keep getting better.  The whole pint doesn’t work for me anymore.  Now I know for sure.  For sure for sure.  Acceptance and…moving on.

In meetings, when I hear that people are not eating sugar, not eating flour, etc., I immediately get all like, I-should-be-doing-that!  But I know it doesn’t work for me–it inevitably ends up in weeks upon weeks of sugar being the only thing I care to consume and tens of pounds of weight gain (invariably the same amount that was lost on the “plan of abstinence” and more).

I am starting to see that having sugar every day isn’t necessary–necessarily.  Maybe soon I will have the willingness to cut down a bit.  A couple days a week without.  But to rule it out completely, for me, for now, is to forbid it is to binge on it eventually.

I feel a little better now, after writing.  Some time to think, some clarity.  And now, miraculously, it’s dinnertime!  Until next time, blogosphere.