Hi. I’m sorry I haven’t written. There was so much to discuss, too: how to prepare for the inevitable feasting, how to reach out to fellows, how to make phone calls or find a meeting or write or escape from crazy family members or go to your old bedroom to scream into your moth-eaten pillow for a second. Not that I really know about any of that stuff, anyway. But I could have at least addressed it.
For the ex-suburban in recovery, Thanksgiving is a day to get through. To say the least.
And on the icy road to sanity, I have been
slipping
slightly.
I say that I’m abstinent (75 days!). With what I mostly believe to be honesty. But it’s such an imperfect abstinence that I’m afraid it’s become immeasurable. I am trying not to compare myself to others in recovery (She’s not eating sugar, so my abstinence doesn’t really count. Wrong.)
It’s just that I don’t have a very solid food plan, which my sponsor says would give me something to fall back on in times of, well, in times of self-doubt and impending craziness. Like right now.
Okay, but I really don’t want to restrict. So my plan is 3 meals a day and two snacks, optionally. And I try my best to avoid chemicals and limit sugar to twice a day (seeking the willingness to have it only once or nonce a day), but sometimes these things just don’t happen. Sometimes I “break” my food plan and then the only two conditions holding up my abstinence (fairly measly ones, I know) are A) did I binge? and B) did I obsess? It’s really quite subjective, though, people. This is what I mean by immeasurable.
That said, I am So Much Better than I was pre-program. I was waiting for a friend today in the subway station and I had a flashback of a time when I completely ditched a friend who was buying his fare because I was able to convince myself that he would actually forget that I had been with him. Because, in the first place, I deemed myself forgettable/invisible, and secondly, I really needed to be alone. So I could eat. C-R-A-Z-Y times.
These days, I can be present. I can interact with people healthfully and positively. I pray; I’m training myself not to forget about prayer and it’s actually working. I want to help people. I want to pursue my art, and I don’t get as scared to do it.
But the past couple of weeks have been rough. Even with 75 days of IMPERFECT IMPERFECT IMPERFECT abstinence. What is making me so crazy now? Okay, so it started with a guy. Maybe it satarted before this guy. It could have been my work situation–I’m basically “between jobs” right now and that’s making me anxious as all hell. In fact, I am considering money-making opportunies that society frowns upon, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog (don’t worry about me. I’ll learn my lesson. God will teach it to me).
Anyway, I had a date a few days ago and ever since the guy has been silent for the most part, and there was supposed to be kissing involved (long story, but it was confirmed by both parties), and there was none, and I think he doesn’t like me. And this sounds really bratty, but that doesn’t happen very much with guys. Because in the past I’ve been able to morph into whatever the dude wanted/demanded/expected, and my relationships and the people I dated were my self-image, the end. Am I still doing it, and this guy can tell? Or am I finally being myself and he’s not impressed? I actually can’t differentiate because my tendencies are subtle and I’m so close to myself, I can’t get a good look. And of course memory is a liar–I’ve been going over and over the whole date in my head and it’s just basically mind-fucking me, and
I need to relax, take it easy, and give it to God. That’s Program’s way. So be it.
UGH! I’ve written enough. Happy Thanksgiving. (That just makes all the normal shit that much harder, doesn’t it? Plus it’s getting cold. Bah.)
And a text from my mom said, “Happy Thanksgiving, Sweet Pea. Don’t eat TOO much :)” and I may be reading TOO much into it but that made me MAD.
Okay, done. My name is L. and I am a compulsive overeater and restrictor and this is my blog. Read up.
recoverydiscovery 