women

And then there are women.

It is so much harder to talk about women.  But I am definitely attracted to them, too [I mean, some of them.  I feel like if you say you’re bisexual people generally think you’re some kind of zombie that will eat any piece of flesh that walks past.  Or they think you are in denial about being gay: just buzz your head, then, and get it over with, why don’t you?  But just as I am not attracted to every man, I’m not attracted to every woman.]  So.  That’s said.

My sibling, who is a really awesome transgendered person, says everybody’s queer.  The question is simply how queer.  And then there’s how queer you allow yourself to be, which is a pretty huge factor.

But I won’t let this be about queer theory.  The point is, I get crushes on girls.  And I find that, being attracted to certain people of both genders, it’s hard not to flirt with. every. single. person I am attracted to or feel a connection with.  And flirting, while fun, feels disingenuous and self-seeking.  In a meeting I recently heard that one person found peace in this program by quieting the “ulterior motive” behind her interactions with others.  Whether that was the possibility of attention or a kiss or a cup of coffee or sex, she needed to learn how to simply be nice to people without laying her sexuality out like an Oriental rug for every single man she encountered (add women into the equation–it becomes completely exhausting!) to walk on.  It’s just that every interaction doesn’t have to be about sex.

I think that’s partly what my sponsor meant when she started talking about boundaries the other day.  I don’t have to tell every single person I meet that I have an eating disorder and I’m in a program of recovery.  I don’t have to talk about my body with people; I can actually tell them, straightforwardly, that my body is something I don’t feel comfortable discussing.  I can also leave the possibility of sex–that ulterior motive–at the door in all of my interactions with others, male and female.  And if I am actually interested in someone, I’ll probably be able to see them more clearly without all that sexual energy clouding the air.

That said, I can still be friends with people and show them I love and support them.  I mean, I’d better do that, even if re-learning how to interact with people turns out to be a major challenge.  Because if I take it to the opposite extreme–avoiding people–isolating–I’m back in my dis-ease.  Bingeing and restricting.

God, show me how to interact with others according to your will, not mine.  Let me show love without feeling entitled to anything in return.  I place my trust in you; my will and my life are in your hands.  Amen.