ohmygoodness it’s Christmastime and I could go on and on and on about the familial insanity this past week has involved. Examples feel a bit too cruel to print, especially on Christmas Eve, so I’ll cut to the chase:
Last night I had a slip. S.L.I.P.–Still Living In Program–thank you, Sponsor, for passing that on to me! Slips happen. We are compulsive overeaters, after all. And last night, my was the pressure builiding as a) I realized that a male friend from high school, on whom I had had a crush for years, now has a boyfriend. Me and my fantasy world–I was certain that last night would be the night we’d finally fall in love. b) parents. Midwest. processed party food all week long. c) in two days I have to show up in a leotard somewhere…somewhere that’s Kind Of A Big Deal. d) no meetings out here in podunk.
I could go on. But that’s the jist of it. After a couple of beers, my friends left and my parents were already asleep, so I was alone with the Food Network, painful food (and other) memories, and a kitchen half-full of actual food. (Or, at the very least, a tin full of Christmas cookies and a cupboard full of pretzels. Because, let’s be honest, an empty fridge is status quo at Mom and Dad’s house.) Suddenly the binge monster simply came back, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Interestingly, the previous two nights had been full of binge-dreams (annoying!). Even more interestingly, last night, post-slip, I dreamt about abstinence. I was in a meeting and I forgave myself for the binge and I saw people I have come to know and love in the rooms. It was a powerful dream. I wanted it to be true.
When I woke up, I emailed my sponsor, found an online meeting, and just didn’t beat myself up. I mean, I felt stupid. And gassy. But I was kind to myself. I took a bath. I got dressed. I ate three small meals, even though I wanted to eat ice cream and frosting out of a jar (how easily a slip could lead to relapse!).
I need this program. I am so grateful for the hand it gives me to get back on my feet.
Wishing you all a safe and merry and not-too-crazy Christmas.
recoverydiscovery 